Day: Starting out black- naturally, because it is 4.30 am. But deciding on venturing out into the yellow or at the least grey of the outside world for the first time in three days.
Mood: Cynical Cindy drowning in a sea of Positive Pollys and wondering how they do it in this weather.
Cynicism can be dull. The truth is despite my diagnosis implying I live in shades of grey, my blogging moniker and well the colour of the actual thing, I am curious about yellow and other bright colours too. I often look at the more ‘having it together people’ the woman wearing that shocking pink lipstick or the lady carrying the yellow bag and wonder what chemical in their brain is operating more efficiently than in mine and what colour is it? What is making it so that they can be more functional about say money, education, work and love than me? Maybe it's the my preferred emotional palette.
Yes I'm curious about cheerier shades in my head but i'm scared to take it a step further and use them in my everyday life because i am scared of feeling good/happy, guilty even and that maybe bright just doesn't go with who i think i am. Bits of black run into everything i do. I find all my moods flow more messily into one another than i would like and than is healthy and i decide to stick to the darker end of the spectrum because then i can't be disappointed with the result. But the truth is i am living in long term disappointment. It is a seriously uninspiring colour.
In money, education and in the long term career do i need to reward myself whether with a gold star in my little yellow budgeting book or a new pair of red shoes for finishing a bit of work- cheap and cheerful shoes mind, probably second hand, I’m Department of Slender Shopping budget. And then not feel GUILTY about saying ‘well done to me’, move on to the next thing? Do i need to stop stifling laughs. apologising for any sign of good mood? It seems the more I refuse to acknowledge the seemingly simple but ‘huge for me things’ I achieve I find myself buying more and more consolation prizes and these are almost always prizes edging closer to Obese Olga¬ ok i’m already mildly obese but if current habits continue...... These consolation prizes don’t seem to vary an awful lot in colour- brown, yellow, white- you get the idea. Do i need to re-gurtitate the mantras in glossy magazines that i love to read and write my goals and positive phrases on flurescent post-it notes and place them strategically? Or do i stick to what i know, despondency. Cindy sayso yes because it- bad feeling is what i know well. Maybe though i will stop worrying now try and sleep a few hours and wake up a Colourful Celia after writing this entry.
To avoid B.S and pretending that today is the day my life changes i could just try a Celia outlook, try to be at least a shade brighter than yesterday and see if it hurts me.
At the same time if i wake up to find Cindy and her cynicism in residence maybe i won't beat myself up either. Depression as i am experiencing it seems to stop.start more than my dad's puce green puegot 405 used to. That is a lot.
Cindy
*Gold star for realising that obviously all of you Positive Polly’s out there work hard for your yellow outlooks. Or that for some of you the dress may be a lovely lime but inside there is a little bit of grey mixing about in your emotional palette and i should never imagine it is easy for you. Hope we all have the best days possible.
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All isn't as bright as it seems. For many people you see, aren't as happy as they seem. Those yellow outlooks are just that hard to come by and are sometimes just that, 'outlooks' that are really grey. Keep posting believe it or not, you're giving hope to some of us, even the ones who you think have it all figured out, because frankly most of us don't.
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