Separates Suzie

And so whilst I will be bussing my way to Primark and Evans- split my last pair of tights and need new water retaining boots-yes retaining, I began my day by taking a look at Mrs. Beckham's new line of dresses. Beautiful-were I yet (am 21) the type of woman able to afford such items I would buy the lot -primarily because they have that perfect glam in the office and then glam at high profile dinner look- no need to change. They would go perfectly with my naive picture of what working life will be like when I 'make it' in whichever career I pursue should I even 'make it' to being able to do simple things like waking up, taking a shower, getting dressed and going outside each day. Dress-wise especially liking this one http://style.uk.msn.com/media/fashion-week/photos.aspx?cp-documentid=152168882&page=1 and have in my imagination purchased it in a sexy 22. Monopoly cash mayn! Ballin!!!


Moving on.

Speaking of clothes- yes I dare to, I was wondering how I would operate this blog. I have been told to start blogging but I know I can only possibly do so consistently about things two things. They are my mental health and my physical health. Oh yes clothes, so three( if I am honest am a bit dread to attempt a so called fashion blog- murky, deep water that no one will see you drowning in). Should I be brave enough to, as an emotionally vulnerable person, let it all (the issues) hang out as much as my stomach does over my size twenty-two jeans for possible readers to poke and poke and poke? And do I separate the issues? Write about psychosis and obesity then finish off a post about my current thoughts on returning to self harm with my thoughts on Henry Holland's new tee's? http://www.c-t-f-o.blogspot.com/ Do you like as much as me? Thinking I want one- because there is Not Alot Going On here on in here *points at own head. Will just casually slip the man an email *bourrit. Because that is how the world works right?:) If I separate the blogs - one for the colours and materials I love looking at, one about my sixteen-stone self it would probably confirm trends of thinking I need to deviate from. Thinking that because I shop Primarni (as Department of Slender Shopping budget I am not in a position to ‘invest’) that there is ONE shop in the whole of Oxford Street that has my size in general, that I don't deserve to involve myself in garments being worn by women more than eight sizes smaller than me. The balance between being ph/fat and fabulous because Iweigh what I weigh atm and yet realising that I need to be healthy again eludes me. I love clothes, but truly, except once a year when it's a special issue or the current plus size celeb du jour (only one is allowed at the time) is jaz matazzing around in colours- I don't feel like I exist. And in life sometimes I wish to not exist. I am aware that last statement is a no-no in the whole positive outlook thing many others have sussed or indeed pretend to. And to other people the statement is indulgent.

 Possessing so much self-loahting yet self involved enough to write a blog about myself-interesting. Well to me at least.

So shant be separating vents, useless information off loading, listing.

To end- an admission of the fact that at 3am I took myself to the offie(i don't sleep most nights and eat emotionally from 10pm onwards, this is where sleeping pills are good and I need to get more from the Doc later- go to sleep at a decent time just so I don't eat). It is a 24 hours offie and my father will tell me that moving to central London will be the main cause of my continued weight gain. The walk to the shops from his house is a bit much for a lazy 'un like me and everything in his endz closes around 5pm. Anyway that would be his oppinion. I purchased and consumed at an alarming rate:-

-500ml of Haagen Daz- cookies and cream

-a box of Magdelens

-a Terry's Chocolate orange

The aim is to sort of name-(obviously my real name is not blackbirdie in real life, it is in fact longer and quite perplexing for people to pronounce) and shame myself. If I know that I and anyone in the world can see this in writing.................

As per my Cynical Cindy post I am not beating myself up for yesterday being what can only be described as a bad day re: positive thinking. I did not leave the house during daylight hours. How to explain? I am scared and begin to cry, laugh hysterically or meditate out loud when out and about these days. Except at 3am - I am pretty comfortable going out when no one is around- just wish I did exciting things that people do at these times. I will tell myself off about the food-that was just bad.

After writing this I feel brave enough to go out- maybe I can push myself to two hours outside today- the doctor refuses to come to my house. He does not want to enable my reclusive behaviour.

Ladies gents- have a *burriful day.

Separates Suzie.

X

* I am just in the mood for some West coast ( African) lingo. One of few things guaranteed to make me smile.