Starting the day with a total lack of personality, not even sufficient positive energy for unnecessary alliteration. After some terrible news on Friday I dug a hole in the hole that is my home- (it's a basement flat not a wise choice for a depressed person- living in the dark and stuff) and stayed there, after purchasing some Fuschia lipstick to make myself feel better that is. I will never successfully wear it- who does?!!! But somehow I just felt a degree less low knowing I was in possesion of crazy bright lippy. I don't even wear the stuff in general. My sister who comes to see me once a week to make sure I am still in existence, remind me to do laundry and to make sure that I have actual contact with another human being passed through on Saturday. Made my week.
One of the re-current issues in my breakdown was, for the first time since her death, asking for my mother. When I say asking I mean demanding that she 'bloody well come here', and in very unstable moments attempting to hang myself with my best bra in order to join her if she was persisting in being so stubborn and not appearing. I miss that bra- you know when you find 'that' bra, the one that actually fits your width AND your breadth, that you can actually run in without being slapped in the face by your 'assets'. The hospital staff confiscated it from me and I haven't seen it since, *my poor Freya. Confiscated Items is a post in itself. Anyway this sister is the closest thing I have to a mum - sadly that is not enough for me. I know it is taking my belief in the make-believe too far but I really do just want my mum, the older I get the more I want her. Even if still had the damn bra I wouldn't fit it now-what with gaining all the weight I reckon my boobs weigh a couple of kg's each now. Not cool. The only thing that supports me now is what some girls in high-school used to call an 'industrial' strength bra- at least four hooks, per line of hooks, maybe twelve in total.
So Monday morning arrived and filled with positivity I stepped outside with plans to attend a sports group and have an Efficient Errand Elfie day. I got to the place, turned back and taking a final look at the rain and grey took the decision to stay indoors for the rest of the day. -East Enders was particularly good Bradley's death feeding my gloom monster very nicely. And perhaps because of my mood Glee just didn't do much for me. Either that or the absence of the real and fantastically abhorrent Sue Sylvester meant it was just blah. I think that glumness of a day yestersay must be what the slushy facials on Glee feel like.
Sleep didn't happen last night so at 3am decided to actually do something useful and prepared for an 'opportunity' I have been given. If I make the meeting things could turn out quite well- work wise. And I feel better for it. I am not fooled though. If I was to actually participate in my day I would be done by 9pm by which time well....... Luckily the last part of my day involves writing, writing where my negative thoughts can actually turn into something positive and productive. I notice that even though this is a personal blog there are way too many 'I's in this here post.
Lacking Lucie
x
Signing off wondering why I have just talked about my bra situation and watching an old episode of Ugly Betty(one with Lucie Lui) and thinking that Hilda should 'neva eva eva' put in another weave again- those tracks are visible from space! Watching Ugly Betty eating some cereal and being ready for the day. Let's hope I actually live it.
* A Freya for any random gent that may come across this blog is a bra, a fantastic bra- this is something to know. With the whole Valentine's aftermath still in full force for some I suggest following my 'other' (there are rather alot of us) sister's steps. She avoided disappointment by arranging a trip to Bravissimo(a proper, proper bra store that doesn't punish you for having bigger boobs and where I got the 'best bra') with her boyfriend. She got several pretty, useful gifts and he got a stress free day. Win, win. I am actually happy I don't have a boyfriend anf avoided all that Valentine's Day nonsense....................DeNile is flowing, and flowing fast:) :(!
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