Mirrored Megan

My behaviour is erratic so it follows that my posts are likely to be too. For the last two weeks I havn't had words, I am still lacking them. For example when people ask 'WHY' I did and do what I do, well, which explanation do they want, there are so many yet at the same time none, many reasons, no reasons. Do I hate my family and friends, not at all. I love them alot but it's true you cannot live FOR other people, you have to want it yourself and I spend most days wanting not to. Mind this is not a cry for help post, I will die- pun intended- before my last communication on this earth is through an online message. The fact that I am writing means I feel better and that I am am slowly winning my battle with an anti-pyschotic from hell. Never ever get depressed but if you do never, ever allow them to put you on Ariprizole. I won't bother to look up it's spelling if you take it you will know the one I mean, if even the nurses and doctors cannot pronounce or spell it, why expect me too. I could go downstairs and ask but well Ariprizole makes you really, really tired. It also means I cannot concentrate on anything not even ENDERS for more than three minutes. Even Gossip Girl was a struggle to follow. That's when you know it's bad.

I had a conversation with a lady I secretly call my Special Irish Lady, a middle age woman who I will call Rachel. She told me I reminded her of herself 20 years ago when she first got ill, angry, unsure about what to think of myself for being unwell and thinking it will never end. She said she could tell I don't like myself at the moment. From other people this pisses me off to such a level, especially when they say 'you need to love yourself', but from Rachel it didn't- she looked at me as if she was looking at a brown version of herself and she understood. An interesting thing she said was that she doesn't consider herself ill, rather that she has a condition, and that I must find my own definition of what is going on in my body and mind rather. Doctors and nurses need lablels to be able to treat me, to write out prescriptions but what do I need in order to stop being angry. What do you need when you are feeling unwell mentally or physically to stop feeling angry. I mean besides God, that is a given.

Leaving Lucie

Two Fridays ago I made a plan to leave. I had been feeling frenzied- a kind of bad energy that sometimes actually speaks to me, for a day or two already, then low mood and lonliness entered the picture and it makes a lethal combination especially when believing you are invincible is added to the mix. So all these things were swimming around my head when I decided to leave my home and unlike most people making thier way to work, (people who even though they know they are going to have a shitty day still get up and carry on) I made my way to Westminster Bridge- the easiest to get to. A young Italian man tried it on and I had to tell him that mate ' This is not the time or place'. I mean, who starts a relationship before jumping off a bridge? Not even I am that crazy;).

Obviously I am still here. I have still been here after each attempt since 2007 when I first began self-harming and trying to end my life. I honestly am not sure if i want to live but there is enough doubt to make it so that I am over familiar with paracetamol.