Problem Polly

Sometimes I won't write, I wouldn't know how to say what I feel without assaulting myself about how self- indulgent it sounds . And being surrounded by people that remind me a blog is a full time job and something to get stressed out about, I feel that it is hopeless, that whatever I am hoping to find by writing about this will never surface.  Last week I felt odd I didn't use any words. My entry wasn't even a word it was a dash. But the dash was important. I could post it and see that yes I am actually here. It is not that episodes are necessarily out of body experiences but that my spirit gave up so long ago that I am not here fully, there is a body that tires at the thought of having to wake up for fifty years if that is how long God wants it to be here. Many people look forward to a long and full life and like the old ladies on the ward I woke up in after my first overdose, want to breathe every breath and make it last longer. The funny thing is that I say this on the assumption that someone is actually reading and would mind. I am still feeling odd so I will  list today.


This week people have told me that:

'It may take 10 years' (IT is getting better. Not being able to time/control my recovery is more than annoying and inconvenient.)

'You are young' (I am turning 22 but I already feel like I am  being  left behind and it makes me angry)

'I will never hate you' (the worst thing you can do as a woman it seems is have issues, I have them and they have scared a person before and I guess I was/am waiting for this person to hate me)

'If you like to paint, paint, if you like to write songs, write songs- it's ok, maybe it is time to be you,'

'You need to love yourself'

'Thank-you'

That a beautiful person  has a rare and life threatening disease

That possibly I may not see someone I love alot for a while and that I may have no choice in the matter

That a friend is leaving



This week I told myself that

It's long ting and logic has no place in the issue. I also do not want to share head space. This in reference to a boy: I have been told to pray about it. I don't know if I want to spirit a relationship into my life. And I don't think boy in question would appreciate being spirited.

That I can leave a place that meant a lot to me

That I don't have any certificates to validate me at the moment and that maybe measuring my worth by achievements is not working for me

That I am angry


That it is going to be hard to live with myself  for the next few months knowing all the things that are happening to people around me, that someone so beautiful who wants their life may lose it and I, I don't want mine much of the time.

That I am scared, that IT is happening, will happen and when it happens that will be the end. But ask me what IT is and you will find I cannot tell you. IT is always there though.

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