Truthful Trudie

 I hate what has happened to me, it makes me scream in pain at times or cry for hours until my eyes are swollen and I am tired. But the thing about being depressed is that lonliness is both your enemy and your friend. I cry about it but I know that my lonliness never leaves me and is always close at hand and so I let it in and I even feel sick about how I ENJOY my pain. This is the thruth and this post is about truths I find hard to explore but must.

I could pretend that I am purely a victim and that this mean depression and its friends have attacked me, that it is to blame for all my flaws, I could pass the buck. I mean with friends I do joke that 'Hey I'm crazy, I'm allowed' when I indulge in nonsense behaviour. But hearing a friend talk about someone she knew that suffered from bi-polar as being ' just actually a bitch', I worry. Which part is me, which part is the depression, am I all psychotic or are there bits of me that are me, as I have always been.



After four years it's hard to know. Who am I? Am I depressed first and a young woman second? I have been hearing voices and hallucinating over the last few months, I feel there is a force that is bringing something really bad to me. I question where I am in my head, because there are lots of voices shouting very loudly, none of them sounding like me. Where is the me people tell me about, the one they used to know. Does she exist or has she changed? Why is she slower? Why has her mind changed? Did I always screw up this much? Have I always been bad with time or did it start when the effort of getting up became too much. I care about your time but know I had to psyche myself up to come out and see you because to me the outside world can be so scary, I think you are all looking at me and can all see what a mess this is or that there is something black on my back, really, like that clicking black insect Catherine Tate had when she was the Doctor's helper. It's on my back. Was I always this self-involved or do I have to be self- involved to will myself to live each day. Do I drain my friends and family through my behaviour? Did I always eat the wrong food or did the size 18(yes I have lost a little weight) happen when the emotional eating began? Have I always been bad at relationships and clingy or does it happen when I worry about being left behind (whole other story). Have I always been angry, sad and lonely? I often get asked when did I start feeling this way, the truth is I cannot remember NOT feeling this way.



The good thing is that I am finding out some pretty cool stuff about myself too. Stuff that wasn't always there. So maybe I am a bit of a bitch, who isn't, I’m a bit/alot depressed, I have my fair dose of crazy mixed in-again who doesn't, 1 in 9 people hear voices, and I do obsess. But I am also here. I love my family and friends, I know too much about clothes, I have a good brain, a heart that tries, I make a mean batch of cupcakes. I fall in love too easily but I fall in love. There is a God up there that is refusing to let me go and therefore I must be something special- like you all. Maybe through all this I might turn out to be a better version of myself, and through this I will find who I am. Let's hope this is the case or it's alot of effort and heartache for nothing lol but NOT lol really.



X

Wish us luck. This week Trudie is looking for the SHOE. That special shoe that was made and meant to be on my foot. You understand? If you don't you never will.